I have been told that I am a complex individual. I am certain this opinion is the result of my eclectic interests. I am a self-professed political news junkie who is equally comfortable watching the old Walton reruns. Another contradiction might be the fact that I make a concerted effort to save money by my weekly dump runs rather than pay for trash pick-up at the house. It’s ironic that this habit allows me to enjoy purchasing a donut with coffee on a Saturday morning and suddenly not be overly troubled by the expenditure. Surprisingly, a trip through the drive thru recently provided me with an interesting lesson at no additional cost.

Although I get no financial kickback from Dunkin Donuts I will share that this is the location that I frequent when in the mood for caffeine and carbs. One such morning found me ready to announce my desire into the speaker. I was the only one in line, which was very unusual. I placed my order and drove around to the window. Again, with no one ahead of me, I didn’t feel like I had sufficient time to retrieve the payment from my wallet. I quickly pulled the funds out and handed them to the clerk at the window. He accepted it and offered my change directly. I took the money, prepared to return it to my wallet, which had me momentarily turn my back on the clerk. When I turned around again, he had my order at the window. Automatically, thinking I kept him waiting, I told him I was sorry and without missing a beat he said I had no reason to be sorry as I had done nothing wrong.

I looked at this clerk, who appeared to be barely out of high school, and wondered how someone so young had such a capacity for wisdom. I was still the only one in line and my purchase wasn’t holding up any other customer. The clerk would be paid, whether or not I took up any additional time at the window. There was no pressing business beyond my transaction, yet I professed that I was sorry. I realized that this was an all too common knee-jerk response. Although Elton John will sing how sorry seems to be the hardest word, it’s my experience that it rolls off the tongue much too often.

As a female, raised Catholic, I am an expert on guilt. When did it become the norm to be responsible and sorry for everything? It is uttered in personal conversations, professional settings and everywhere in between. It is professed regularly, without much thought or sincerity. Don’t misconstrue my missive as promoting a lack of civility. As I become cognizant of the countless times I utter “sorry” I find I’m trying to better express myself. I now apologize or ask for forgiveness when it is necessary and appropriate. I currently try not to jump to the all-encompassing contrition and chalk it up to additional self-awareness.

Before you accuse me of being extreme, by mentioning this habit many of us have, let me explain further. I will admit that offering the automatic remark of sorry is not going to upset the balance of the universe. Upon reflection though, in general, I sense that conversations could be more meaningful if engaged with active listening and spoken with additional thought, compassion, empathy and truth. Not every statement must be profound and there will always be room for teasing, silliness and humor. A cliché comes to mind: Say what you mean and mean what you say. The reality is that once words are spoken or shared through a chat or text mode, they can’t be retrieved. As I age I have had the sad experience of recounting what would be my last conversation with loved ones. I will make a conscious effort to never leave a conversation that takes on a tone of harshness, disagreement or anger. Bottom line, I will continue to express myself but in the end I remain hopeful that I won’t have any reason to be sorry.