Category Archives: Positive attitude

Balance

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I recently had surgery. It was major. Although I thought I was prepared, the scenarios I created in my mind fell short of what would be reality. With this necessary recovery I have had to slow my pace. This downtime has allowed me time to think about items I ordinarily wouldn’t have the time to explore. I am beginning to think that I could insert the word “life” for surgery and make some comparisons.

If you have read any of my previous blogs you might have identified my appreciation of being self-sufficient and independent. Retaining that was part of my strategy. I don’t like the feeling of being vulnerable but surgery aka life often has a different lesson to teach. The surgery presented me with mobility issues and I couldn’t expect my days to run routinely. My game plan was not to totally shut people out but not to have anyone stay with me. I implemented that approach but found that I was grateful when help found its way to my doorstep.

There seems to be a recurrent theme in my life. Stubbornness and pride often get whittled away. What I initially view as strong traits, perceived as gifts, have often been challenges that need to be addressed. This recent surgery has had me look upon daily activities, those that we all take for granted, as challenging and almost impossible tasks. No one considers jumping into the shower a physical challenge but I learned it took thought and energy. Struggling to find the ability to follow through with normal routine care made me feel subhuman.

I am fortunate to be doing well. I have been blessed with a great medical team and a support system without rival.  There are those who have encouraged me from a distance by offering their well wishes and prayers. My 18 year old cat took a week to adjust to the upheaval but she soon realized that the change in routine and additional equipment didn’t change who I was. Her attention and affection have brought me great comfort. I cannot think of one item that has gone unaddressed. Once again, I have had to learn to be humble and gracious. There is a question as to whether I could ever repay the many ways I have been cared for but I realize those who are assisting me are not doing it for recompense. I look forward to being able to find ways to pay it forward and assist others when opportunity permits.

Life often brings us items that need to be addressed. It could involve any aspect of our existence: health, finance or relationships. Shielding our eyes never resolves the issue and can often make the challenge a larger one. Making the needed improvement takes time and planning. Nothing worthwhile can be rushed. During that time of correction, it can be uncomfortable. There could be days that one wonders if it would have been easier to ignore it but it is important to face it head on and continue to move forward. In time the pain and difficulty will ease and soon be forgotten. The gain can be celebrated. Life doesn’t promise that we only have to meet the test once but with each trial we acquire the skill and ability to face the next challenge with grace. It’s all a balancing act. When my recovery is complete I will rejoice but I pray that I don’t soon forget the lessons imparted.

Gifts

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We are all familiar with the time and thought that goes into selecting the perfect gift for someone. The selection could be the consequence of knowing them so well or maybe it is the result of a conversation that never left your memory. The satisfaction of giving could be equal to the delight of the recipient. To witness the joy in one’s eye or the smile that lights up their entire face is a reward in itself. What if that moment is only fleeting? What if you never see them wear the outfit or never witness the item displayed in their home? I wonder if God feels that way when we don’t incorporate his gifts into our lives.

I imagine God patting each infant on their head and sharing with them the main gift he is bestowing upon them as they prepare for their transition to a mortal existence. To some he generously offers teaching and the ability to enlighten children or inventing creations that will be immeasurably helpful to mankind. Some might be given the opportunity to continue to add to the beauty of the earth as a stonemason or landscaper. Others could add beauty through artistic endeavors: sculptor, photographer, musician and poet. This generosity doesn’t stop at talent but also has a combination of personality traits that could allow one to be compassionate, empathetic, kind and generous. God would know the appropriate talent and trait for each earthbound soul. I imagine he smiles, satisfied, as each one of his creations begins their passage through life, supplied with gifts, talents and traits.

I also believe that no one who is given the breath of life gets off free of charge. There are challenges interspersed along the way. I have learned that they too are blessings. They present us with the opportunity to look at the source of our creation and ask for help. I am certain that we don’t stand alone. When we were sent on our journey in life, God didn’t treat us like the candy on the conveyer belt in the I Love Lucy episode. No matter how swiftly life and its events seem to move, he hasn’t let one piece escape him. It’s okay if we have a complaint as customer service is always open. I don’t feel I am being irreverent but rather, because of my gifts, I have been able to maintain humor in light of challenges experienced.

Sometimes gifts are uncovered quickly, others take a while to develop and some might require a lifetime before they are integrated into someone’s existence. Not all talents are necessarily destined to be a professional calling. They can be a passion that sparks your imagination and brings delight. No matter how those abilities are presented, sabotage and a lack of confidence can be an individual’s worse enemies. Their pull can be so strong at times. It may be cliché but true, each day presents us with another opportunity to try again. There is only one expiration date on the goods we have been given. I don’t know about you, but when I reach my expiration date, I want to know I haven’t left any of my gifts unwrapped.

Pandemic Scar

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I don’t believe there is anyone whose life hadn’t been touched by the pandemic in some way. There could have been subtle changes and inconveniences or a major upheavals, like severe illness or death. Without much warning or choice, we were collectively thrown into that reality. Although steps were enacted to prevent infection and lessons were learned, I feel the general public has been ready to sweep all of that under the rug and get on with life. I have moved on as well but there has been a loss left in the wake. It appears that when the tide went out it took my previous views with it.

I consider myself fortunate to exist within several social circles. I can claim friends that are former classmates, some that I have acquired through the work force and others have been met through mutual friends and other organizations. When out and about I appear to be quite the extrovert but what is equally true is that I can enjoy solitude along with the best of introverts. When the decision had to be made about how to handle exposure to COVID, I had to use my best judgement with the input of my doctors. It was strongly suggested that if I was to contract the illness the odds of survival were stacked against me. That was all I needed to hear in order to tip the scales. For the following year I worked remotely.

There was a trade-off, working from home didn’t tempt illness, but social interaction was no longer a part of my daily life. There didn’t seem to be much preparation taken on my part. I remember years ago, while with Red Cross Emergency Services, we would meet and plan for such an event. We discussed how to safely provide food delivery and how to handle a surplus of those who had succumbed to the illness by utilizing ice rinks for morgues. All those discussions came back to me in swift succession. Faced with it in reality found me poorly prepared emotionally, yet moving toward isolation at lightning speed. I would soon live my life with my view to the outside world through the glass of my storm door.

Those who know me are aware of my health challenges. I’ve not known anyone to be critical but rather understanding and compassionate. During that year my friends were extremely helpful and respectful of my choice of isolation. I was not milking the situation but rather holding myself to a rigid environment to keep any infection at bay. In hindsight, it is hard to comprehend the apprehension I felt about opening myself up to any potential exposure. I was adjusting to my self-imposed quarantine when a friend came to visit and I didn’t invite her inside. She told me that I was making too big a deal of the situation. At no point during this time could I be called a hypocrite. If I was not going to work or allowing any other social exposure, I was not going to invite anyone inside my home. She left and with her went a long time friendship.

I have thought about how this loss came to be and why it still exists. There had been overtures from this individual to talk and I didn’t find it difficult to be gracious and engaging but I have never made a point to initiate contact myself. I’m not one to usually hold a grudge and normally take the stance of live and let live. Yet on the heels of the pandemic, I find I view life differently. I have come to identify certain aspects that I might not have paid much heed to originally. I now realize that I do take my illness seriously. For years I have had a somewhat cavalier attitude toward health but now I no longer approach it so casually. I also recognize what a precious commodity time is and that it shouldn’t be squandered. I clearly can see the importance of who I choose to spend my time with and how I choose to spend it. Possibly the rest of my thought would be I don’t care to have others sit in judgement of me, nor I of them. In sharing what I have come to believe, I acknowledge that every day is a gift. I have no desire to address the Almighty and advise him that I would like to return it. There have been times that I felt that the gift I was presented didn’t fit perfectly but I have since grown into it. Now that if fits well, this is what I will continue to model.

Sorry

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I have been told that I am a complex individual. I am certain this opinion is the result of my eclectic interests. I am a self-professed political news junkie who is equally comfortable watching the old Walton reruns. Another contradiction might be the fact that I make a concerted effort to save money by my weekly dump runs rather than pay for trash pick-up at the house. It’s ironic that this habit allows me to enjoy purchasing a donut with coffee on a Saturday morning and suddenly not be overly troubled by the expenditure. Surprisingly, a trip through the drive thru recently provided me with an interesting lesson at no additional cost.

Although I get no financial kickback from Dunkin Donuts I will share that this is the location that I frequent when in the mood for caffeine and carbs. One such morning found me ready to announce my desire into the speaker. I was the only one in line, which was very unusual. I placed my order and drove around to the window. Again, with no one ahead of me, I didn’t feel like I had sufficient time to retrieve the payment from my wallet. I quickly pulled the funds out and handed them to the clerk at the window. He accepted it and offered my change directly. I took the money, prepared to return it to my wallet, which had me momentarily turn my back on the clerk. When I turned around again, he had my order at the window. Automatically, thinking I kept him waiting, I told him I was sorry and without missing a beat he said I had no reason to be sorry as I had done nothing wrong.

I looked at this clerk, who appeared to be barely out of high school, and wondered how someone so young had such a capacity for wisdom. I was still the only one in line and my purchase wasn’t holding up any other customer. The clerk would be paid, whether or not I took up any additional time at the window. There was no pressing business beyond my transaction, yet I professed that I was sorry. I realized that this was an all too common knee-jerk response. Although Elton John will sing how sorry seems to be the hardest word, it’s my experience that it rolls off the tongue much too often.

As a female, raised Catholic, I am an expert on guilt. When did it become the norm to be responsible and sorry for everything? It is uttered in personal conversations, professional settings and everywhere in between. It is professed regularly, without much thought or sincerity. Don’t misconstrue my missive as promoting a lack of civility. As I become cognizant of the countless times I utter “sorry” I find I’m trying to better express myself. I now apologize or ask for forgiveness when it is necessary and appropriate. I currently try not to jump to the all-encompassing contrition and chalk it up to additional self-awareness.

Before you accuse me of being extreme, by mentioning this habit many of us have, let me explain further. I will admit that offering the automatic remark of sorry is not going to upset the balance of the universe. Upon reflection though, in general, I sense that conversations could be more meaningful if engaged with active listening and spoken with additional thought, compassion, empathy and truth. Not every statement must be profound and there will always be room for teasing, silliness and humor. A cliché comes to mind: Say what you mean and mean what you say. The reality is that once words are spoken or shared through a chat or text mode, they can’t be retrieved. As I age I have had the sad experience of recounting what would be my last conversation with loved ones. I will make a conscious effort to never leave a conversation that takes on a tone of harshness, disagreement or anger. Bottom line, I will continue to express myself but in the end I remain hopeful that I won’t have any reason to be sorry.

Red Winged Blackbirds

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When I was young I enjoyed living with a bounty of beautiful winged creatures who generously shared their habitat. It was not unusual to catch a ring necked pheasant in flight or to hear a quail with its call of bob white. How fortunate I was to have this backdrop to my childhood. Even now I enjoy seeing the flaming red feathers of a cardinal, catching the glint of color provided by a gold finch or appreciating the presence of a boisterous and bossy blue jay. With this variety of feathered species available, it had been the red winged blackbird that I always found captivating.

There are so many items that seem to be left behind once childhood becomes a distant memory. So it was with my enjoyment of red winged black birds. I never realized that it happened until I was caught by a train on my way home from work one afternoon. The road I traveled dissected two fields. As I patiently waited for the train to pass I noticed a large flock of birds in the field to my right. They could have easily have fallen into the category of black bird, although I believe they were starlings. I watched them swirl above the ground and then alight in the field among the crops. It was mesmerizing to watch them repeat the process several times, always in unison. I felt a sense of longing and thought how wonderful it would have been to have this flock be one of red winged black birds. The train passed and I moved on but my mind didn’t.

When was the last time I saw a red winged black bird? Surely they were still present although I couldn’t remember seeing any for such a long time. As I continued to be lost in my thoughts, I decided to take an alternate route home. Living in a rural area, it isn’t unusual to travel through scenic farmland.  I was nearing a pond and the slight bend in the road that its location had created. Negotiating that curve caused me to reduce my speed. As I slowly made my way I noticed a bird sitting on a lone fence post, miraculously it was a red winged black bird. It was exhilarating to see the flash of color on its wings, like a beacon among the vegetation. I don’t believe in coincidences and gave thanks for the perfect timing that allowed this sighting.

Now I frequently have the good fortune to see these birds. They must have been there all this time but I was blind to their presence. What other benevolence am I overlooking in life? The realization that the mere wishful desire of seeing a bird was granted so swiftly, how much more is possible? I do believe that my thoughts are a form of prayer. My gratitude, concerns and needs are lifted well beyond my human capabilities.

Life is full of messages and guidance if you allow your heart to be open. Often, when I now see red winged blackbirds, they are perched high on a reed, allowing them to be noticed. At first glance it might appear that they are a regular black bird but it’s their red and yellow stripes that set them apart. We all possess figurative red and yellow stripes and it is this individuality that sets us apart from others. Just like the benevolence that I recently mentioned, it can often go unnoticed. I don’t think that was ever intended to be the norm. In hindsight, I realize that the reemergence of this ordinary bird in my life has brought me extraordinary messages.

Morning Ritual

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I have never been a morning person. I do feel that it might be more pronounced now than when I was younger. I am not an early riser and I need an alarm. That doesn’t necessarily mean that I am ready to roll out of bed when it sounds and announces that I have a schedule to keep. If I had to place blame why I have an aversion to get moving in the morning I would suggest it might be that mentally I am ready for retirement. I have grown weary of trading my time for others daily and long for the day that it will truly be just that, my time.

Currently my commute takes a bit over half an hour. Where some might deal with the congestion of an interstate or metropolitan area, I cross a mountain. I have had to find a way to create a positive mindset that would have me arrive at work ready to meet the day. This is especially important when I find myself behind farm equipment or a tractor trailer that crosses the mountain at 20 mph. Those are the days that I must convince myself that going so slowly offers me a better chance to appreciate the surrounding scenery. In order to endure the trip, I have devised a morning routine. Although my plan is personal to me, I am not embarrassed to admit what I do to keep my mood in check. I have devised this over time and it was so subtle in its inception that I didn’t initially realize that I had established a ritual.

My success has come from recognizing what puts a smile on my face. Once established, those were the things I began to look for as I made my trek toward the mountain. It begins with my neighbor walking his dog. He has a joyful countenance about him and always crosses to the other side of the street when he sees me coming. I am sure he does that to maintain a modicum of safety although my driving has never endangered him. We both smile and wave. Toby, his golden retriever, wears a smile on one end and a constantly wagging tail on the other. Once beyond my neighborhood and jetting down the main drag, I encounter Richard the waver. He lives in a mobile home along the way and has a great deal of time on his hands as his disability has kept him out of the workforce. He can be found on his porch, waving to all the passing vehicles. If the weather is frigid he can be found wrapped in a Sherpa blanket with it fashioned as a hood over his head for warmth. Warmer weather has him sitting, sans shirt, wearing a pair of sunglasses. Days that I think it might be too dark for him to see me wave back, I will tap my horn.

Next I move beyond the human element and focus on all creatures great and small. It’s not enough to watch for animals but I have gone even further and bestowed various monikers upon them. I start with a horse that I have named appropriately, Old Paint. His dappled coat blends with the mottled wall of an outbuilding where he poses while soaking up the morning sun. Across the road I look for a tuxedo kitty in the picture window. One morning I noticed Kitty outside, pawing at a door. It had the frantic look of an indoor cat that accidently found itself outside. After witnessing the cat’s unfortunate plight it felt natural to turn an eye toward the house on my daily trip. It’s rare that I don’t find this same cat perched in the window with a curtain backdrop. Rounding out my journey toward the mountain is the appearance of Blackie. Lacking any originality, I’ve named a black cat that I see on the porch of a white farm house. There appears to be a feeding station set up for the various cats residing on the farm but Blackie is the cat that catches my eye. It also makes me smile as that was my father’s nickname and I wonder how he would feel having a cat named for him.

At this point you might be wondering why I unabashedly shared this somewhat absurd activity with you. Do I find going to work such a depressing event that I must distract myself? No, it’s not so terrible but truthfully I would rather wake up on my own and spend my time writing, reading or doing something else creative with my hands. Since employment is the reality, and I am grateful for the income, I like to take it up a notch, again to make the day start in a positive mode. This is my way of making that proverbial lemon aid out of lemons. It’s not a bad habit to have, seeing the good in any event that might seem challenging or unpleasant. Life is too short to wallow in the mire. I suggest that the practice of seeking joy will improve the quality of life. If you don’t believe me, start naming random animals and see what it does for your demeanor.

Circle of Life

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There are times in life we witness something so magnificent that it blindsides us. It could be a matter of timing or possibly sheer luck. It feels miraculous to be at the right time and place to become a spectator to something that has the potential to take your breath away. That is how I felt when I recently witnessed a bald eagle in flight.

Driving through a suburban neighborhood usually doesn’t offer the most scenic backdrop. Something might catch your eye on the order of landscaping or a real estate sign but usually those trips are uneventful. When I witnessed a bald eagle cross my path I was astonished. I instantly found myself reaching for my phone but stopped when I realized that I needed to leave it in my purse and focus on the spectacle before me. The eagle had recently taken flight as it came from the left and was just above the height of my car. It was high enough to clear my path but low enough that I could see the bird in all its stunning glory. When its flight brought it directly above me, it took a ninety degree turn and momentarily I was following its path. Then as quickly as it made its first turn, it did it once again and flew off to the right. It was overwhelming and I found my heart was beating wildly in my chest and then I realized that the eagle held a rabbit in its talons. I winced and tears came to my eyes.

I watched the eagle continue to fly with the rabbit silhouetted against a beautiful blue sky. There didn’t seem to be a struggle coming from the rabbit and it appeared to hang there, so still. I am not so naïve that I don’t have command of the laws of nature and the reality of the food chain. An eagle with its commanding presence needs nutrition and it was merely doing what was needed to survive. I am not a vegetarian and it might appear hypocritical that it tugged at my heart strings to see the rabbit carried off to become a meal. Truthfully, I did wonder if the rabbit was a mother whose rabbit kits would be left behind, defenseless. Was the rabbit taken when out playing with its litter mates? Maybe it seems foolish to place human characteristics on the vulnerable rabbit but I can’t be honest about my experience without sharing my thoughts.

Upon reflection I realized I witnessed the Circle of Life. Pardon me, Elton, as I expand on your song’s lyrics. If we are fortunate enough to rack up decades of living, I would hope it would be matched with the realization that everyday our role may change but we are still offered the chance to do more than just survive. I can look back at the times that I felt the strength of the eagle coursing through my veins, a feeling of being invincible. In direct contrast there were times that I felt as victimized as the rabbit. There doesn’t seem to be a way to appreciate the goodness without experiencing the challenges. I would hope that appreciating the positive aspects tip the scale when comparing them to the tests and trials. Mostly my wish is that when we are presented with the role of the rabbit, we can fly with the eagle knowing that we knew our purpose and our life would reflect how we sought to meet it.

Trifecta

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I love bargains. It has been a necessity over the years that I maintain a frugal lifestyle. Notice I didn’t say cheap. It is so well ingrained in me that, even now, I accept the challenge of continually finding that deal.  One Saturday morning I found myself headed for the store’s check out with my arms full and a coupon in hand. I managed to snag 2 pairs of slacks, a pair of lounge pants, a sweater and a package of briefs all for the grand total of $37.00. I was ecstatic and the cashier shared my joy. The typical small talk ensued and I was struck by his accent. It had a melodic quality to it. Internally I questioned myself whether it would be appropriate to ask him where he called home. I have a friend from Sierra Leone and she too has that same melodic accent. I decided to ask but prefaced it with a disclaimer that I didn’t want to offend him. There was no offense taken and he cheerfully told me that he was from Ghana. Instantly I understood why his speech caught my attention as Sierra Leone and Ghana are both located in West Africa. Now that I have supplied you with today’s geography lesson I will finish by sharing that the cashier was more than happy to reveal his heritage. I would go so far to say that maybe he found it uplifting that someone took notice in a positive light and inquired. My smile stayed with me through the exit of the store and my amble across the parking lot. I reveled in the fact that happiness could be evoked by showing interest in a total stranger.

Completing my errands I stopped at a gas station to fill the tank. Something caught my eye during this mundane task. Across from the pumps, along the wall of the convenience store, a young woman was rifling through a trash bin. I initially thought that she might have thrown something away by accident. She started with the bin directly across from me and one by one she continued along the building, digging through the trash, until she was out of sight. I recalled the first time I observed this type of activity. I was a teenager on a trip to New York City. From my lofty perch, several floors above the street, my hotel window allowed me to witness an event that was forever committed to memory. I watched as an individual desperately scavenged through the trash looking for something to sustain him. I felt both distressed and helpless as I witnessed his plight. Watching this woman evoked the same feelings. I thought it would have been appropriate to offer her assistance but I hesitated too long as I continued to fill my tank. Then she was gone and I determined I had missed my opportunity.

I ask you not to judge as I confess I left the gas station to head to a drive thru across the street. It was late afternoon and I decided to pick something up to hold me over until I reached home. I am hearing impaired and there are times I struggle to understand what is being said through the speakers. I was appreciative that the clerk was not only articulate but his voice had a tonality to it that actually made him sound like he was happy to take my order. When I reached the window there was a young man wearing a headset. I inquired if he was the one that had taken my order and indeed he was. I complimented him on his speech and told him that his manager would do well to keep him on the front lines. I’ve never worked in fast food and don’t know if taking virtual orders is something to strive for but the clerk smiled and thanked me. Again, it was an opportunity to reach out to another human being and share a positive thought. With a smile lingering on my lips I drove toward the exit. Before I left the lot, I spotted the young woman from the gas station.

Now, once again, I had the opportunity to reach out to her. I took a moment or two to fumble through my wallet and pull out some bills. It would have been an amount sufficient to purchase a meal. She was lounging on the grass, sipping a drink that I am sure I saw her remove from the trash. I pulled the car up close to her and reaching out through the open window I offered her the money. She refused to take it. My heart sunk and I felt my entire body become tense. Did I offend her? She wasn’t asking for anything and maybe in my quest for the perfect trifecta of human interaction it had been more of an insult rather than the aid I was hoping to offer. I drove off with a sinking feeling that I caused more harm than good. The feeling lingered and I didn’t understand why it wasn’t easy to let it go.

Throughout the remainder of the weekend I replayed that scenario in my head. Why did I find it so distressing? I will admit that I created a story in my mind about the woman. It might have been close to the truth or miles away. One thought did creep through my mind and when it settled in the forefront I found it disturbing. What if I was upset, that by her refusal of help, she actually ruined my trifecta of perfect positive human interaction? That would be a harsh reality to accept and I sincerely hope that is not the case, that my actions would be so shallow. I will store the event with many others in an internal file called “Experience”. What I take with me is beautifully summed up in a post I found online: Do everything with a good heart, expecting nothing in return, and you will never be disappointed. Let’s move forward, striving to have positive interactions with one another and not ruin them by our own imperfection or misguided thoughts of recompense.