Behind the Door

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Our father was career Navy and he had a very sea intensive rate. Toward the end of his career he was able to secure a billet opening as a recruiter. It was during this period that our parents felt like it was time to relocate and permanently move to this new location. They thought it would a good place to raise children. A search for a house was undertaken and they chose the home where our roots were planted and we were raised. I was too young to appreciate it at the time but I have the suspicion that it might have been considered a fixer-upper. We settled in and shortly found expansion was needed. Our youngest brother made his entrance and our grandfather came to live with us. Thus began the constant renovation and repair that kept our father busy.

One major transformation that took place was the expansion and enclosure of the upstairs back porch. My father fashioned it into a dorm-like room for my three brothers. I, being the only girl, had the benefit of having my own room. The walls were covered with a juvenile print that remained in place much too long. My room also held the entrance to the attic. The door hid the enclosed steps and created a bit of an alcove. At one point my desk took up residence in that opening. Although my father had spent time picking up this unfinished piece of furniture, covering the top with laminate and staining the remainder, it wasn’t used all that often. I preferred to do my homework sitting on my bed. For years I had no desire to be close to that door.

The house is just over a hundred years old now but it always seemed older. The access to the attic didn’t allow for use beyond storage. As you would walk up the steps you would need to lean in and hunch over to reach the actual floor space. There was such a steep pitch to the roof line at that point that no one with any height could traverse it without earning a severe bump to the head. The chimney rose up through the middle and boxes of seasonal decorations and other items took up space on the wooden floor. A bare light bulb, hanging from above, was needed if you went up after dark but it was much more comfortable to go up during the day and make use of the natural light the windows provided. There was another reason I chose not to go up into the attic at night, one that I presumed would keep me safe. I learned something treacherous would be found behind the door at night.

My one brother spun a tale, so believable, that I had no doubt it was true: a hunchback lived in our attic. By the nature of his being, this creature was both cunning and devious. His focus, as I understood, would be to continue to live in our home without detection. As much as I might protest his existence, my brother had a convincing reply to every one of my utterances. I never saw any sign of him in the attic space. I was told that he vacates the space during the day. He would climb out my window and onto the roof that covered the front porch. He would grasp for a branch from the maple tree which would allow him to climb down the rest of the way. He would have returned by nightfall, when he would slip down the steps and into my bedroom while I slept. I found it unsettling to hear how he would stand over my bed and drool. My brother thought it was incredible that I wasn’t aware of the residue on my sheets and blankets. Surprisingly, there was no validity to this story. I smile now to think about how gullible I was and how creative my brother was to provide such a convincing tale. It makes for a terrific story now, often told with a great amount of laughter. The hunchback, that I dreaded all those years, has now taken up residency in the crawl space under my house. I have no doubt it is true as I was informed of this development, again, by my brother.

These days my brother shares other bits of wisdom with me. It is he who has told me that worry is paying for a debt that seldom comes due. I think fear might work the same way. For years I feared the hunchback, when in reality he was only a figment of imagination. There was no danger in opening the attic door at night. I might not have missed any opportunities by not going into the attic after dark but there have been times in life that I felt apprehension about what was on the other side of the door. Life isn’t as frivolous as a game show that has you make a choice between doors number one, two or three. Often it does nudge you forward through a figurative door and into new territory. Fear, a natural emotion, can become a hindrance. I am not proposing that one moves forward without thought or by taking dangerous risks but don’t let the weight of fear rob you of new possibilities and growth. It takes courage to open the door and perseverance to walk through it. Don’t be frightened if that door appears to slam behind you. Let the gust it creates boost your forward movement and continue to carry you onward with additional support.

Season Changes

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I have been home, recovering from surgery, for two months. While recuperating, I realized that life has continued and my lack of participation has not stopped the march of time. I missed the end of the summer season. The farm stands that offered corn, watermelon and cantaloupes now are full of pumpkins and squash.  The lush green canopy of trees have become swirling red, yellow and orange leaves, providing a colorful carpet upon the ground. There have even been changes in my personal life. Prior to returning to work I decided it was time for a new hair style. I am now revisiting my short and curly look. There is one more obvious change in my life; for the first time in over thirty five years, I have no cat underfoot.

I don’t plan on making this a memorial to Scout, but I do want to share a bit about her. When I purchased my home eighteen years ago, she turned up in my yard. Whenever I was outside she would be there, bouncing and jumping around. For being such a tiny kitten she was spending her time with the big cats as part of a feral colony. I was not looking for another cat as I already had two residing with me. I reconsidered when thinking about the age of one, who was nineteen at the time. I thought for sure I would lose her sometime in the near future and rescuing Scout would allow me to return to life with two cats again. My elderly cat lived to see twenty two. For several years I was the crazy cat lady with three cats.  

Scout spent years unapologetically continuing to show her feral roots. She was often referred to as the invisible cat as she would make herself scarce if I had visitors. During her life with me she shared space with a total of three other different cats and she was left when it was time for each of them to cross the Rainbow Bridge. For the last two years of her life, she was my “one and only” and she easily adapted to life without competition for food and affection. She finally came out of her shell and acknowledged that she was comfortable with receiving attention from my guests. In the past two months, as I recuperated, she had been my constant companion. I noticed her weight loss but attributed it to the fact that she had reached the age of eighteen and time was taking its toll.

I think that there is something to human psychology and spending time together that has you overlook gradual changes. Those who have not seen someone for a period of time can readily pick up on them. Scout continued to lose weight and yet her appetite increased. I didn’t initially notice as she maintained her normal routine. She would wake me each morning and would talk to me as she led me into the kitchen. She was affectionate as ever and I would pet her, listen to her purr but I could feel her bones under her skin. Her coat remained shiny and silky. A vet visit confirmed that her organs were well but she had developed a mass. I knew that a tough decision lay ahead of me. I resented the fact that I had to return to work. If I remained home I could monitor her and not feel like I was cutting her life short.

I finally came to the conclusion that I was denying the true state of her health and wasn’t doing her any favors by not taking the responsible steps. I continued to vacillate until the final moments. Once she was gone I realized that I had a sense of relief. She loved me unconditionally and trusted me. For years she knew she would be fed and the litter box would be clean. She knew she would be safe, warm and loved. This was the final step in our relationship. The change I dreaded has happened and I go on. There is positive side, I realize that the loss of Scout allows me to offer a safe haven to another homeless cat in the future. I also recognize there is a greater lesson. Sometimes the changes we dread the most, propel us to a new environment filled with opportunity and unexpected rewards and goodness. The loss of a loved one creates a figurative void in our hearts. I have come to understand that grief can expand your heart to a point that it feels like it will burst. It feels as if it has been stretched, creating an even larger void.  When the time is right, there is a possibility that we can be blessed by something else that will fill that void. It won’t be the same, nor should it. As we continue to live and breathe, our hearts are still beating and capable of love. It’s up to us to be open to it.

Season Changes

I have been home, recovering from surgery, for two months. While recuperating, I realized that life has continued and my lack of participation has not stopped the march of time. I missed the end of the summer season. The farm stands that offered corn, watermelon and cantaloupes now are full of pumpkins and squash.  The lush green canopy of trees have become swirling red, yellow and orange leaves, providing a colorful carpet upon the ground. There have even been changes in my personal life. Prior to returning to work I decided it was time for a new hair style. I am now revisiting my short and curly look. There is one more obvious change in my life; for the first time in over thirty five years, I have no cat underfoot.

I don’t plan on making this a memorial to Scout, but I do want to share a bit about her. When I purchased my home eighteen years ago, she turned up in my yard. Whenever I was outside she would be there, bouncing and jumping around. For being such a tiny kitten she was spending her time with the big cats as part of a feral colony. I was not looking for another cat as I already had two residing with me. I reconsidered when thinking about the age of one, who was nineteen at the time. I thought for sure I would lose her sometime in the near future and rescuing Scout would allow me to return to life with two cats again. My elderly cat lived to see twenty two. For several years I was the crazy cat lady with three cats.  

Scout spent years unapologetically continuing to show her feral roots. She was often referred to as the invisible cat as she would make herself scarce if I had visitors. During her life with me she shared space with a total of three other different cats and she was left when it was time for each of them to cross the Rainbow Bridge. For the last two years of her life, she was my “one and only” and she easily adapted to life without competition for food and affection. She finally came out of her shell and acknowledged that she was comfortable with receiving attention from my guests. In the past two months, as I recuperated, she had been my constant companion. I noticed her weight loss but attributed it to the fact that she had reached the age of eighteen and time was taking its toll.

I think that there is something to human psychology and spending time together that has you overlook gradual changes. Those who have not seen someone for a period of time can readily pick up on them. Scout continued to lose weight and her appetite increased. I didn’t initially notice as she maintained her normal routine. She would wake me each morning and would talk to me as she led me into the kitchen. She was affectionate as ever and I would pet her, listen to her purr but I could feel her bones under her skin. Her coat remained shiny and silky. A vet visit confirmed that her organs were well but she had developed a mass. I knew that a tough decision lay ahead of me. I resented the fact that I had to return to work. If I remained home I could monitor her and not feel like I was cutting her life short.

I finally came to the conclusion that I was denying the true state of her health and wasn’t doing her any favors by not taking the responsible steps. I continued to vacillate until the final moments. Once she was gone I realized that I had a sense of relief. She loved me unconditionally and trusted me. For years she knew she would be fed and the litter box would be clean. She knew she would be safe, warm and loved. This was the final step in our relationship. The change I dreaded has happened and I go on. There is positive side, I realize that the loss of Scout allows me to offer a safe haven to another homeless cat in the future. I also recognize there is a greater lesson. Sometimes the changes we dread the most, propel us to a new environment filled with opportunity and unexpected rewards and goodness. The loss of a loved one creates a figurative void in our hearts. I have come to understand that grief can expand your heart to a point that it feels like it will burst. It feels as if it has been stretched, creating an even larger void.  When the time is right, there is a possibility that we can be blessed by something else that will fill that void. It won’t be the same, nor should it. As we continue to live and breathe, our hearts are still beating and capable of love. It’s up to us to be open to it.

More Than Words

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When I was ten years old, I experienced something that would stay with me my entire life. I don’t recall how it happened, but I managed to find To Kill a Mockingbird. At the time I was interested in the story as I thought it would help me understand my father’s upbringing. He was born in southern Georgia in 1924. For much of my life, I lived a stone’s throw from the Mason Dixon line. It didn’t provide me with the environment and history that he would have encountered in his youth. It felt foreign to me and I thought for certain that this book would provide me with the background that I was seeking.

Now, as an adult, I realize the content might have been an eye opener for someone whose life experience was only a decade in the making. I remember there were subjects and terms that went over my head. At those times, I would turn to my father for an explanation. Once I remember asking him what a “war” lady was. As my father had a hearing impairment, he looked at me quizzically and asked me to repeat the question. I asked again what a war lady was. When my pronunciation wasn’t getting the job done, he finally asked me to spell it. W-H-O-R-E. At that point there was a clear understanding and I was given a clear explanation. Other questions I posed might have shown my lack of knowledge but this one proved my innocence. Now, with a slight grin on my face, I realize that time has replaced the embarrassment with humor.

Although To Kill a Mockingbird was published over 60 years ago, it has remained a mainstay in my life. It was not a coincidence that I had a pair of cats named Scout and Atticus. Scout is the only one who remains and she is often thought to be male due to her name. Calling her Jean Louise would not have felt right. When I recently saw that Richard Thomas was in the current stage production and would be performing at the Kennedy Center, I knew I had to be there. Admittedly, there was a teenage girl’s voice in my head saying how exciting it would be to see John Boy in person. Aware that his role in the Waltons was relegated to history and my crush had long since faded there was still every reason to want to see him. He has a reputation for being a fine theater actor and I relished the idea that the portrayal of my childhood hero was entrusted to him.

I was enthralled by the production. I didn’t need a reminder why the book has always been so special to me. I have long acknowledged the importance of respect and human dignity. I believe it fueled the professional success I have had working out in the community all these years.  Atticus exemplified living the golden rule. He was a role model to his children but was challenged by his neighbors when doing the right thing. It comes down to truth and the struggle between good and evil. As the show was coming to an end I found tears in my eyes. I didn’t look to see if others were moved in the same way. Could it be the enormity of the subject matter struck a nerve, the same as it did when I was child? Maybe it was the simple fact that I could only spend a finite amount of time stepping back into the past and into the embodiment of one of my favorite stories.

I left the theater with a ticket stub, a program and a vivid memory. I had adhered to the rules and didn’t even try to sneak a picture. There was no last-minute grab for a souvenir at the stand. I was content, actually, more than content. It was a bit of an epiphany. Upon the end of the production, I walked out with an experience and I didn’t want anything more.  This revelation won’t leave me, much as the impact of reading To Kill a Mockingbird all those years ago. The words printed on the pages of the book are tangible but its effect is where the importance lies. Tom Robinson was unjustly found guilty, Boo Radley had come out, and I will continue to climb into someone’s skin and walk around in it to try to understand their perspective.

Gifts

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We are all familiar with the time and thought that goes into selecting the perfect gift for someone. The selection could be the consequence of knowing them so well or maybe it is the result of a conversation that never left your memory. The satisfaction of giving could be equal to the delight of the recipient. To witness the joy in one’s eye or the smile that lights up their entire face is a reward in itself. What if that moment is only fleeting? What if you never see them wear the outfit or never witness the item displayed in their home? I wonder if God feels that way when we don’t incorporate his gifts into our lives.

I imagine God patting each infant on their head and sharing with them the main gift he is bestowing upon them as they prepare for their transition to a mortal existence. To some he generously offers teaching and the ability to enlighten children or inventing creations that will be immeasurably helpful to mankind. Some might be given the opportunity to continue to add to the beauty of the earth as a stonemason or landscaper. Others could add beauty through artistic endeavors: sculptor, photographer, musician and poet. This generosity doesn’t stop at talent but also has a combination of personality traits that could allow one to be compassionate, empathetic, kind and generous. God would know the appropriate talent and trait for each earthbound soul. I imagine he smiles, satisfied, as each one of his creations begins their passage through life, supplied with gifts, talents and traits.

I also believe that no one who is given the breath of life gets off free of charge. There are challenges interspersed along the way. I have learned that they too are blessings. They present us with the opportunity to look at the source of our creation and ask for help. I am certain that we don’t stand alone. When we were sent on our journey in life, God didn’t treat us like the candy on the conveyer belt in the I Love Lucy episode. No matter how swiftly life and its events seem to move, he hasn’t let one piece escape him. It’s okay if we have a complaint as customer service is always open. I don’t feel I am being irreverent but rather, because of my gifts, I have been able to maintain humor in light of challenges experienced.

Sometimes gifts are uncovered quickly, others take a while to develop and some might require a lifetime before they are integrated into someone’s existence. Not all talents are necessarily destined to be a professional calling. They can be a passion that sparks your imagination and brings delight. No matter how those abilities are presented, sabotage and a lack of confidence can be an individual’s worse enemies. Their pull can be so strong at times. It may be cliché but true, each day presents us with another opportunity to try again. There is only one expiration date on the goods we have been given. I don’t know about you, but when I reach my expiration date, I want to know I haven’t left any of my gifts unwrapped.

Pandemic Scar

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I don’t believe there is anyone whose life hadn’t been touched by the pandemic in some way. There could have been subtle changes and inconveniences or a major upheavals, like severe illness or death. Without much warning or choice, we were collectively thrown into that reality. Although steps were enacted to prevent infection and lessons were learned, I feel the general public has been ready to sweep all of that under the rug and get on with life. I have moved on as well but there has been a loss left in the wake. It appears that when the tide went out it took my previous views with it.

I consider myself fortunate to exist within several social circles. I can claim friends that are former classmates, some that I have acquired through the work force and others have been met through mutual friends and other organizations. When out and about I appear to be quite the extrovert but what is equally true is that I can enjoy solitude along with the best of introverts. When the decision had to be made about how to handle exposure to COVID, I had to use my best judgement with the input of my doctors. It was strongly suggested that if I was to contract the illness the odds of survival were stacked against me. That was all I needed to hear in order to tip the scales. For the following year I worked remotely.

There was a trade-off, working from home didn’t tempt illness, but social interaction was no longer a part of my daily life. There didn’t seem to be much preparation taken on my part. I remember years ago, while with Red Cross Emergency Services, we would meet and plan for such an event. We discussed how to safely provide food delivery and how to handle a surplus of those who had succumbed to the illness by utilizing ice rinks for morgues. All those discussions came back to me in swift succession. Faced with it in reality found me poorly prepared emotionally, yet moving toward isolation at lightning speed. I would soon live my life with my view to the outside world through the glass of my storm door.

Those who know me are aware of my health challenges. I’ve not known anyone to be critical but rather understanding and compassionate. During that year my friends were extremely helpful and respectful of my choice of isolation. I was not milking the situation but rather holding myself to a rigid environment to keep any infection at bay. In hindsight, it is hard to comprehend the apprehension I felt about opening myself up to any potential exposure. I was adjusting to my self-imposed quarantine when a friend came to visit and I didn’t invite her inside. She told me that I was making too big a deal of the situation. At no point during this time could I be called a hypocrite. If I was not going to work or allowing any other social exposure, I was not going to invite anyone inside my home. She left and with her went a long time friendship.

I have thought about how this loss came to be and why it still exists. There had been overtures from this individual to talk and I didn’t find it difficult to be gracious and engaging but I have never made a point to initiate contact myself. I’m not one to usually hold a grudge and normally take the stance of live and let live. Yet on the heels of the pandemic, I find I view life differently. I have come to identify certain aspects that I might not have paid much heed to originally. I now realize that I do take my illness seriously. For years I have had a somewhat cavalier attitude toward health but now I no longer approach it so casually. I also recognize what a precious commodity time is and that it shouldn’t be squandered. I clearly can see the importance of who I choose to spend my time with and how I choose to spend it. Possibly the rest of my thought would be I don’t care to have others sit in judgement of me, nor I of them. In sharing what I have come to believe, I acknowledge that every day is a gift. I have no desire to address the Almighty and advise him that I would like to return it. There have been times that I felt that the gift I was presented didn’t fit perfectly but I have since grown into it. Now that if fits well, this is what I will continue to model.

Sorry

I have been told that I am a complex individual. I am certain this opinion is the result of my eclectic interests. I am a self-professed political news junkie who is equally comfortable watching the old Walton reruns. Another contradiction might be the fact that I make a concerted effort to save money by my weekly dump runs rather than pay for trash pick-up at the house. It’s ironic that this habit allows me to enjoy purchasing a donut with coffee on a Saturday morning and suddenly not be overly troubled by the expenditure. Surprisingly, a trip through the drive thru recently provided me with an interesting lesson at no additional cost.

Although I get no financial kickback from Dunkin Donuts I will share that this is the location that I frequent when in the mood for caffeine and carbs. One such morning found me ready to announce my desire into the speaker. I was the only one in line, which was very unusual. I placed my order and drove around to the window. Again, with no one ahead of me, I didn’t feel like I had sufficient time to retrieve the payment from my wallet. I quickly pulled the funds out and handed them to the clerk at the window. He accepted it and offered my change directly. I took the money, prepared to return it to my wallet, which had me momentarily turn my back on the clerk. When I turned around again, he had my order at the window. Automatically, thinking I kept him waiting, I told him I was sorry and without missing a beat he said I had no reason to be sorry as I had done nothing wrong.

I looked at this clerk, who appeared to be barely out of high school, and wondered how someone so young had such a capacity for wisdom. I was still the only one in line and my purchase wasn’t holding up any other customer. The clerk would be paid, whether or not I took up any additional time at the window. There was no pressing business beyond my transaction, yet I professed that I was sorry. I realized that this was an all too common knee-jerk response. Although Elton John will sing how sorry seems to be the hardest word, it’s my experience that it rolls off the tongue much too often.

As a female, raised Catholic, I am an expert on guilt. When did it become the norm to be responsible and sorry for everything? It is uttered in personal conversations, professional settings and everywhere in between. It is professed regularly, without much thought or sincerity. Don’t misconstrue my missive as promoting a lack of civility. As I become cognizant of the countless times I utter “sorry” I find I’m trying to better express myself. I now apologize or ask for forgiveness when it is necessary and appropriate. I currently try not to jump to the all-encompassing contrition and chalk it up to additional self-awareness.

Before you accuse me of being extreme, by mentioning this habit many of us have, let me explain further. I will admit that offering the automatic remark of sorry is not going to upset the balance of the universe. Upon reflection though, in general, I sense that conversations could be more meaningful if engaged with active listening and spoken with additional thought, compassion, empathy and truth. Not every statement must be profound and there will always be room for teasing, silliness and humor. A cliché comes to mind: Say what you mean and mean what you say. The reality is that once words are spoken or shared through a chat or text mode, they can’t be retrieved. As I age I have had the sad experience of recounting what would be my last conversation with loved ones. I will make a conscious effort to never leave a conversation that takes on a tone of harshness, disagreement or anger. Bottom line, I will continue to express myself but in the end I remain hopeful that I won’t have any reason to be sorry.

Red Winged Blackbirds

When I was young I enjoyed living with a bounty of beautiful winged creatures who generously shared their habitat. It was not unusual to catch a ring necked pheasant in flight or to hear a quail with its call of bob white. How fortunate I was to have this backdrop to my childhood. Even now I enjoy seeing the flaming red feathers of a cardinal, catching the glint of color provided by a gold finch or appreciating the presence of a boisterous and bossy blue jay. With this variety of feathered species available, it had been the red winged blackbird that I always found captivating.

There are so many items that seem to be left behind once childhood becomes a distant memory. So it was with my enjoyment of red winged black birds. I never realized that it happened until I was caught by a train on my way home from work one afternoon. The road I traveled dissected two fields. As I patiently waited for the train to pass I noticed a large flock of birds in the field to my right. They could have easily have fallen into the category of black bird, although I believe they were starlings. I watched them swirl above the ground and then alight in the field among the crops. It was mesmerizing to watch them repeat the process several times, always in unison. I felt a sense of longing and thought how wonderful it would have been to have this flock be one of red winged black birds. The train passed and I moved on but my mind didn’t.

When was the last time I saw a red winged black bird? Surely they were still present although I couldn’t remember seeing any for such a long time. As I continued to be lost in my thoughts, I decided to take an alternate route home. Living in a rural area, it isn’t unusual to travel through scenic farmland.  I was nearing a pond and the slight bend in the road that its location had created. Negotiating that curve caused me to reduce my speed. As I slowly made my way I noticed a bird sitting on a lone fence post, miraculously it was a red winged black bird. It was exhilarating to see the flash of color on its wings, like a beacon among the vegetation. I don’t believe in coincidences and gave thanks for the perfect timing that allowed this sighting.

Now I frequently have the good fortune to see these birds. They must have been there all this time but I was blind to their presence. What other benevolence am I overlooking in life? The realization that the mere wishful desire of seeing a bird was granted so swiftly, how much more is possible? I do believe that my thoughts are a form of prayer. My gratitude, concerns and needs are lifted well beyond my human capabilities.

Life is full of messages and guidance if you allow your heart to be open. Often, when I now see red winged blackbirds, they are perched high on a reed, allowing them to be noticed. At first glance it might appear that they are a regular black bird but it’s their red and yellow stripes that set them apart. We all possess figurative red and yellow stripes and it is this individuality that sets us apart from others. Just like the benevolence that I recently mentioned, it can often go unnoticed. I don’t think that was ever intended to be the norm. In hindsight, I realize that the reemergence of this ordinary bird in my life has brought me extraordinary messages.