Tag Archives: Conversation

More Than Skin Deep

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What you see is what you get. I have finally made it to the time in life where I am not chasing fashion trends. If the truth be known, I don’t think I ever spent much time in that category. I have reached the stage where I choose to dress for comfort.  Some might say I look like a grandmother, although I am not one. My hair is gray and it is a simple style that doesn’t require much upkeep. I am well aware that I carry more weight on my frame than I should. I dress like my mother did. I don’t shy away from pants with elastic or embroidered tops. I prefer flats to heels. I have never had anything so important to me that I would sit and endure hundreds of pin pricks for a tattoo. My only piercings are the single ones in each ear lobe. Translated: I would like to think I am relevant but my appearance doesn’t equate to being cool.

Before I retired, I had the opportunity to work with a new hire. She came in as a manager and it was my responsibility to mentor her. I worked for a behavioral health organization and we were very accepting of those who felt comfortable in their skin and often marched to the beat of their own drum. The new manager fell into this category. Her style of dress was a bit on the goth side. I don’t recall seeing her in any color beyond black, deep purple or navy blue. She had invested her time in piercings and tattoos that exemplified what she found important in life. She had a verse tattooed around her neck and try as I might I could never read the entire script. Finally, I had to ask her what it said. I share this with you so you can picture the two of us working together. To say it was enjoyable, was an understatement. There was a camaraderie that formed quickly. What could have been a challenge was never an issue for us. It wasn’t long before we learned we shared an interest in the paranormal and an appreciation of Freddie Mercury.

It may be cliché but you truly can’t judge a book by its cover. I was in the yarn aisle of a craft store and found myself in conversation with another customer whose appearance greatly differed from mine. She had bright pink hair and several piercings. She brought out her recent project and explained she needed more of one of the colors. She was there trying to find a match. Together we went up and down the aisles comparing colors and blends. I have heard that in the future handcrafted items will be a thing of the past. I thought it was refreshing to see a younger woman be so accomplished in crochet. Another recent trip I did come across an actual grandmother who shared some commonality with me. Through our conversation I learned that she had been assisted by the disaster relief agency where I had once worked. She also mentioned she was interested in having her grandson receive services from the agency from which I had recently retired. It makes me smile to think about what pleasant conversations I might have missed if we hadn’t reach out to one another.

These encounters also bring to mind the good fortune I had of working with another staff member who called me her work mom. Although we are different races and generations, we developed a close relationship. We do share the same values and appreciation of family. Once she asked me how old I was and then declared I could actually be her work grandmother! I have learned that being judgmental could rob me of welcome experiences. Additionally, I am grateful that others have been open minded to see that I too might just have something of interest to share, something that goes beyond skin deep.

Sorry

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I have been told that I am a complex individual. I am certain this opinion is the result of my eclectic interests. I am a self-professed political news junkie who is equally comfortable watching the old Walton reruns. Another contradiction might be the fact that I make a concerted effort to save money by my weekly dump runs rather than pay for trash pick-up at the house. It’s ironic that this habit allows me to enjoy purchasing a donut with coffee on a Saturday morning and suddenly not be overly troubled by the expenditure. Surprisingly, a trip through the drive thru recently provided me with an interesting lesson at no additional cost.

Although I get no financial kickback from Dunkin Donuts I will share that this is the location that I frequent when in the mood for caffeine and carbs. One such morning found me ready to announce my desire into the speaker. I was the only one in line, which was very unusual. I placed my order and drove around to the window. Again, with no one ahead of me, I didn’t feel like I had sufficient time to retrieve the payment from my wallet. I quickly pulled the funds out and handed them to the clerk at the window. He accepted it and offered my change directly. I took the money, prepared to return it to my wallet, which had me momentarily turn my back on the clerk. When I turned around again, he had my order at the window. Automatically, thinking I kept him waiting, I told him I was sorry and without missing a beat he said I had no reason to be sorry as I had done nothing wrong.

I looked at this clerk, who appeared to be barely out of high school, and wondered how someone so young had such a capacity for wisdom. I was still the only one in line and my purchase wasn’t holding up any other customer. The clerk would be paid, whether or not I took up any additional time at the window. There was no pressing business beyond my transaction, yet I professed that I was sorry. I realized that this was an all too common knee-jerk response. Although Elton John will sing how sorry seems to be the hardest word, it’s my experience that it rolls off the tongue much too often.

As a female, raised Catholic, I am an expert on guilt. When did it become the norm to be responsible and sorry for everything? It is uttered in personal conversations, professional settings and everywhere in between. It is professed regularly, without much thought or sincerity. Don’t misconstrue my missive as promoting a lack of civility. As I become cognizant of the countless times I utter “sorry” I find I’m trying to better express myself. I now apologize or ask for forgiveness when it is necessary and appropriate. I currently try not to jump to the all-encompassing contrition and chalk it up to additional self-awareness.

Before you accuse me of being extreme, by mentioning this habit many of us have, let me explain further. I will admit that offering the automatic remark of sorry is not going to upset the balance of the universe. Upon reflection though, in general, I sense that conversations could be more meaningful if engaged with active listening and spoken with additional thought, compassion, empathy and truth. Not every statement must be profound and there will always be room for teasing, silliness and humor. A cliché comes to mind: Say what you mean and mean what you say. The reality is that once words are spoken or shared through a chat or text mode, they can’t be retrieved. As I age I have had the sad experience of recounting what would be my last conversation with loved ones. I will make a conscious effort to never leave a conversation that takes on a tone of harshness, disagreement or anger. Bottom line, I will continue to express myself but in the end I remain hopeful that I won’t have any reason to be sorry.