Tag Archives: Gratitude

Friends, the Family We Choose

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Not to sound egotistical but I must have been a very smart little girl. At the age of eight I made a friend. At the time I had no idea what the future held, my focus was on play and laughter. Now, over half a century later, I still claim her as one of my closest friends. We are very much our own people but I have found comfort in our like mindedness. Her honesty and fortitude have been invaluable over the years. For decades we haven’t lived close physically, but rather 1600 miles apart. The distance hasn’t lessened the connection.

Years later, as an adult, I had the experience of making a lasting friendship during my time as a Navy wife. The connection was actually made through our sons who found each other in friendship as classmates. We shared an uncanny connection through husbands and the Navy but I don’t think that had us tip the scales in the creation of our bond. Fortunately, a solid relationship was the end result. It has been over thirty years since the foundation was laid. Countless numbers of family celebrations and events have been shared. There are 100 miles between us, but again, the distance hasn’t dampened the relationship.

It would almost appear that my closest friends are the furthest away. That is not necessarily the case. I have a wonderful group of women that I share a meal with on a regular basis. They are supportive and compassionate and their presence in my life is positive and uplifting. I met another friend, also living nearby, through one of my previous professional positions. The job was eliminated but the friendship remains strong. Again, she is another one that brings a positive spin to my life. A former classmate, who returned to live in the area, is always ready to join me in an adventure or come to my aid when needed. No matter how these bonds originated, I am glad they remain.

As life is fluid, I feel no one should become stagnant where friends are concerned. I have a bounty of longtime friends and I am fortunate that recently I have increased my abundance. If you read my recent blog Airing Dirty Laundry I make reference to a friend that helped me organize and clean prior to my surgery. What is so remarkable about this experience is that this is a relevantly new friendship yet it has been profound. I found myself asking for help and graciously accepting it when I was the most vulnerable. That is nothing that I would have anticipated from a new acquaintance.

When I think about those I have known over the years, I realize that I have had some friends that existed for a finite period. There was nothing that terminated our alliance but a change in life’s circumstances created a natural separation. I have countless numbers of acquaintances that have enriched my life in various ways. I treasure those whose friendship has been tested with time, distance and other bumps in the road. I also recognize that these precious relationships are a two way street. Distance could be a deterrent to remaining close but it is worth the effort to stay in touch. There are no guarantees in life so it is worth the effort to never take anyone for granted. Life can be ordinary in so many ways but can present challenges that could blindside us. There are those who could offer support and enrichment and it is worth the effort to remain open to the opportunity of meeting them. I believe that true friendship binds you by impenetrable heartstrings. Friends are the family that you choose. You might not have the same blood coursing through your veins but you share history and a sense of caring and connection that can be as strong as any root in a family tree.

Connections

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It was not hard to decide to attend Ruth’s Celebration of Life. Although I was 2 ½ weeks beyond my surgery I felt I would be mobile enough with the help of my friend. I wanted to be there for several reasons. Ruth had been my Girl Scout leader. At a time when young girls were exploring who they were and what they might aspire to, it was important to have someone step up and guide that process. I also had the good fortune to know her after I had become an adult. Although it was a given that she was a loving and selfless mother and grandmother, she was also known for her involvement with her community and faith life. Her daughter was a long time classmate of mine. We were not close growing up yet I feel we have created a bond through today’s social media. As my mother died over a decade ago I felt I wanted to offer my presence as one who understood the loss.

I didn’t know many people in attendance but there were a few familiar faces. Of those, I didn’t know what connection might have been forged between Ruth and them. I could have asked as I feel I possess enough social graces to inquire without being offensive. I decided not to and allowed conversation to go elsewhere. I found that after the day, I continued to question the connections life offers us. How are these relationships formed? Do they come to us randomly? Granted, Ruth was fortunate to be blessed with a long life, and there were multiple relationships she must have enjoyed over the years. So very often after someone dies, age will often dictate how many people attend their memorial. It might be a matter of practicality, illness, mobility issues or death itself that might strip someone of their vast social connections. It is comforting to see contemporaries as well as others from different generations come and pay their respects.

I continued to dwell on the thought of how a lifetime of connections would translate to the loss family, friends and community may feel in the passing of one of its members. If someone has the good fortune of living many decades the relationships built and enjoyed could be immeasurable. I am not contemplating the six degrees of Kevin Bacon but the reality of all of us and how our life creates interactions with those on an exponential level. As much of my professional life was spent working within the community I know there are those whose lives I touched, whose names and faces would be unfamiliar to me now. Truthfully, I relish the idea of being of service to someone who remains unknown to me on a personal level. That is the purest form of giving of oneself and I count myself fortunate to have the opportunity to have experienced such a blessing. I also am blessed by the myriad of people whose relationships are personal.

Is there a goal that comes as a result of my contemplation? It might not be what you expect. Do I want standing room only at my memorial? No, but I would like to think that those I leave behind would find comfort and solace in having a shared connection with me being the common denominator. We are inundated with news of climate change and how important it is to leave the smallest carbon footprint possible. On the other hand Chief Seattle was known for saying, “Take only memories, leave only footprints.” I know what goal I choose. I am not concerned about any remaining footprint that I might cast but I would rather bestow a smile and full heart with those I share a connection. I will make an effort to be civil, kind and thoughtful to those whose paths I cross. I hope that I would never hesitate to offer a hand or support when I see the need. I will continue to live my mantra: If I think something nice I share it. Further, I pray that gratitude be at the very core of my being, not just for every breath I am given but also for every connection made along the way.

Balance

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I recently had surgery. It was major. Although I thought I was prepared, the scenarios I created in my mind fell short of what would be reality. With this necessary recovery I have had to slow my pace. This downtime has allowed me time to think about items I ordinarily wouldn’t have the time to explore. I am beginning to think that I could insert the word “life” for surgery and make some comparisons.

If you have read any of my previous blogs you might have identified my appreciation of being self-sufficient and independent. Retaining that was part of my strategy. I don’t like the feeling of being vulnerable but surgery aka life often has a different lesson to teach. The surgery presented me with mobility issues and I couldn’t expect my days to run routinely. My game plan was not to totally shut people out but not to have anyone stay with me. I implemented that approach but found that I was grateful when help found its way to my doorstep.

There seems to be a recurrent theme in my life. Stubbornness and pride often get whittled away. What I initially view as strong traits, perceived as gifts, have often been challenges that need to be addressed. This recent surgery has had me look upon daily activities, those that we all take for granted, as challenging and almost impossible tasks. No one considers jumping into the shower a physical challenge but I learned it took thought and energy. Struggling to find the ability to follow through with normal routine care made me feel subhuman.

I am fortunate to be doing well. I have been blessed with a great medical team and a support system without rival.  There are those who have encouraged me from a distance by offering their well wishes and prayers. My 18 year old cat took a week to adjust to the upheaval but she soon realized that the change in routine and additional equipment didn’t change who I was. Her attention and affection have brought me great comfort. I cannot think of one item that has gone unaddressed. Once again, I have had to learn to be humble and gracious. There is a question as to whether I could ever repay the many ways I have been cared for but I realize those who are assisting me are not doing it for recompense. I look forward to being able to find ways to pay it forward and assist others when opportunity permits.

Life often brings us items that need to be addressed. It could involve any aspect of our existence: health, finance or relationships. Shielding our eyes never resolves the issue and can often make the challenge a larger one. Making the needed improvement takes time and planning. Nothing worthwhile can be rushed. During that time of correction, it can be uncomfortable. There could be days that one wonders if it would have been easier to ignore it but it is important to face it head on and continue to move forward. In time the pain and difficulty will ease and soon be forgotten. The gain can be celebrated. Life doesn’t promise that we only have to meet the test once but with each trial we acquire the skill and ability to face the next challenge with grace. It’s all a balancing act. When my recovery is complete I will rejoice but I pray that I don’t soon forget the lessons imparted.

Airing Dirty Laundry

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With a smile on his face, my father would often proclaim that God only made two perfect people and one was crucified. He, obviously, was the second one. I have further added to this statement. I have said that I accepted the mantle of my father as he passed decades ago but the joke is on me. The apple might not fall far from the tree but it doesn’t come as a big surprise that I can’t claim perfection.

Although the themes I share by way of my blogs aspire to living a good life and being the person God intended me to be, I am still very much a work in progress. Recently, I have been focused on preparing for some upcoming surgery. I want my home to be neat and organized for several reasons. I will need to be able to maneuver during my recovery without any surplus items in my way. I also want my home to be orderly in the case of having visitors who might come offering assistance. If you are able to read between the lines you will see that maybe tidiness has not one of my strong suits lately. Honestly, I have grappled with two major shortcomings when it comes to housework and I can’t tell you why they exist or what might have caused them.

I will own up to dragging my feet when it comes to emptying the dishwasher. I didn’t always have a dishwasher throughout my adult life. When I washed all my dishes by hand they were put away once they air dried. To this day, items that are hand washed find their way back into the cupboard much quicker than those in the dishwasher. What is the difference between clean dishes on the counter top and those in the dishwasher? Out of sight, out of mind? One day I hope to learn how this aversion was created and know how to overcome it. Until then, the dishwasher will be emptied but under no circumstance would I receive a medal for breaking any records to get it done.

Another household task that has never held any interest for me is finishing the laundry. Translated: I don’t enjoy folding and putting clothes away. The clothes I wear are clean and if I see they possess wrinkles I don’t delay in using my steamer. I enjoy being able to go to my closet or drawers and choose an outfit but somewhere there is a disconnect. Again, I don’t know why this is so firmly planted in me but it’s far time that I address it. My dryer must have known I was going to own up to my shortcoming and has decided to give me reason not to worry with it this weekend. There is no need to fold and put clothes away when the dryer has stopped working and everything has remained wet!

As you must have surmised by this point I have owned up to my quirks surrounding some of my tasks at home. I took a deep breath and decided to come clean and share this with you. I am at the point that I must take action. I have the good fortune to have a friend that has come to my assistance and will ensure my home is clean, neat, and tidy prior to my surgery. She has been an answer to prayer, one that I didn’t realize I was uttering. There have been times that I simply felt overwhelmed due to fatigue and often a lack of time. There would not be any happy ending to this saga if I didn’t allow my humility to come to the forefront and accept help.

I have decided that it is important to show my authentic self. That was the foundation that I determined this blog would be built upon. Due to my independent nature I have long struggled with accepting assistance. I have not only opened the door to this aid but I have been able to swallow my pride. I am relieved that I didn’t choke on it as it went down and it has not been difficult to be gracious. I know that when it is time for my life review I won’t be judged by my housekeeping duties but rather my acceptance of the gifts that have come my way. I am hoping though, that I do get a few extra points for living in a home that is not screaming for attention.

Red Winged Blackbirds

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When I was young I enjoyed living with a bounty of beautiful winged creatures who generously shared their habitat. It was not unusual to catch a ring necked pheasant in flight or to hear a quail with its call of bob white. How fortunate I was to have this backdrop to my childhood. Even now I enjoy seeing the flaming red feathers of a cardinal, catching the glint of color provided by a gold finch or appreciating the presence of a boisterous and bossy blue jay. With this variety of feathered species available, it had been the red winged blackbird that I always found captivating.

There are so many items that seem to be left behind once childhood becomes a distant memory. So it was with my enjoyment of red winged black birds. I never realized that it happened until I was caught by a train on my way home from work one afternoon. The road I traveled dissected two fields. As I patiently waited for the train to pass I noticed a large flock of birds in the field to my right. They could have easily have fallen into the category of black bird, although I believe they were starlings. I watched them swirl above the ground and then alight in the field among the crops. It was mesmerizing to watch them repeat the process several times, always in unison. I felt a sense of longing and thought how wonderful it would have been to have this flock be one of red winged black birds. The train passed and I moved on but my mind didn’t.

When was the last time I saw a red winged black bird? Surely they were still present although I couldn’t remember seeing any for such a long time. As I continued to be lost in my thoughts, I decided to take an alternate route home. Living in a rural area, it isn’t unusual to travel through scenic farmland.  I was nearing a pond and the slight bend in the road that its location had created. Negotiating that curve caused me to reduce my speed. As I slowly made my way I noticed a bird sitting on a lone fence post, miraculously it was a red winged black bird. It was exhilarating to see the flash of color on its wings, like a beacon among the vegetation. I don’t believe in coincidences and gave thanks for the perfect timing that allowed this sighting.

Now I frequently have the good fortune to see these birds. They must have been there all this time but I was blind to their presence. What other benevolence am I overlooking in life? The realization that the mere wishful desire of seeing a bird was granted so swiftly, how much more is possible? I do believe that my thoughts are a form of prayer. My gratitude, concerns and needs are lifted well beyond my human capabilities.

Life is full of messages and guidance if you allow your heart to be open. Often, when I now see red winged blackbirds, they are perched high on a reed, allowing them to be noticed. At first glance it might appear that they are a regular black bird but it’s their red and yellow stripes that set them apart. We all possess figurative red and yellow stripes and it is this individuality that sets us apart from others. Just like the benevolence that I recently mentioned, it can often go unnoticed. I don’t think that was ever intended to be the norm. In hindsight, I realize that the reemergence of this ordinary bird in my life has brought me extraordinary messages.